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my castles are falling - shut the window love, Keep the world outside

About my castles are falling

Previous Entry my castles are falling Feb. 4th, 2005 @ 04:36 pm Next Entry

 I got TOSed yesterday for saying " my vagina is on sale". I started cracking up when my dad told me, but obviously he didn't feel that this was a laughing matter. He started yelling. We started yelling. The house was chaos. This house was my own personal coffin for a good while. I miss my grandpa, and I want to go see him.


 Well, I broke down. I broke away from sanity and I didnt care. I shook like a rabbit in the mouth of a wolf, I was sweating, I was crying. I think the salt I cried and the salt I sweated and the energy it took to shiver so much just pushed me over the edge. I held my hands over my ears and closed my eyes. I closed my eyes HARD. I didn't to see the world, I didn't want to hear the yells, I didn't want to think. I whispered over and over again, take it away, take it all away, let me be nothing, let me just be the nothing I am, please god, take everything away. Thats right, I prayed to God. I havent prayed to God in the longest time.


 I shook for a while. I'm not sure how long, it just seemed like an hour or so. I quickly started painting though, which helped so much. But I couldn't stop feeling upset. I couldn't get back to the world. I read Marys novel. The girl killed herself in the end. Killed her. I said it over and over. Killed. Herself. Killed herself. This whole emotional brake down occured very late at night. By then it was 11 o'clock around. I never felt so.....horrible. I never felt so, ugly. I wanted to hide under the covers for the rest of my aching life. I wanted to crawl into a safe, dark hole under the ground, forever. I wanted to destroy this body. This face. I stood up, almost mummy like. Killed herself. Killed herself. Killed herself. I took a few mummy like steps. Killed herself. Killed herself. Killed herself. Right at that moment, I felt like I should not be alive, at all. I took my mummy self one more step. I was at the door. Shiney knife. For those few seconds, for the few steps, I wanted to take my life away. Slash each of my damned wrists. 


I'm so angry with myself. I havent felt this way for a LONG time. I thought I've gotten over this. I was SURE I've gotten over this. No more urges for hurting myself. No more thoughts about me burried deep beneath the earth, or scattered sinking in the sea. I got over this. I thought I got over this. No more bad thoughts. No More Bad Thoughts. I didn't put a blade to my wrist because I am a coward. I couldn't. Some how I was able to think beyond my selfish cries and back to my grandpa. No, I could not leave him this way. I could not leave them this way. All of this was so stupid. Hurting myself, wanting to kill myself. I knew this was stupid, I know this is stupid, but why can't I stop thinking about it? Why wont it leave me alone? This kind of thinking is all for losers. For those kids who have nothing better in life then to sulk in their own pity............me. me? me. That is me. This is me. How can that be me? My head hurts, and I want to be able to sleep again. I want to hear good news, I want to see happy things, I want to feel normal feelings. I have to try and heal right now. I have to get the sting over and done with. I have to wash away my blood right now. I need to wipe away the dirt that may cause a disgusting affection. My disgusting face...My body..My disgusting head. I need to rid myself of all of this.


I need to start all, over, again.









"Oh, Inverted World
If every moment of our lives
Were cradled softly in the hands of some strange and gentle child
I'd not roll my eyes so












I miss Keri. Come back to me..

Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: sc-fall
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Date:February 5th, 2005 12:09 am (UTC)

..::the cruel world is not yet done with me::..

KERI! i feel soo bad for you. i too have broke down, but nothing like this. this really scared me, and i am glad you didnt put that blade to your wrists. even though i matter very little to you, i want you to know that i feel you shouldnt do it. dont do it, i hope it will save you, and not just because of your grandpa. i hope you feel better, but depression gets under the skin. DEEP under the skin. i hope you do much better this weekend, or altleast until i talk to you. and i hope you find solace in someone/thing like i have, and get past that struggle of walking the halls. good night, i love you.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 5th, 2005 12:42 am (UTC)

Re: ..::the cruel world is not yet done with me::..

:) aw thanks man.
its just that knowing something is bad for you isnt always enough. I knew cutting was bad for me yesterday, but I was so close to doing it anyway.Last year i didnt know. Last year I liked it. But You have to have something or someone that you love more then yourself if you want to stop. you have to love someone or something so much, that you let your pain consume you, all of you, just for them. i have to do that now. everyday. because i cant control my thoughts, and everything has come back.ive been through this before, only this time its not as bad because i have you guys. so i know that the next couple of days/weeks/months are going to be hard. i just cant believe i let myself get to this point again. Its all my fault too.

Much love,
Date:February 5th, 2005 12:22 am (UTC)
oh keri! i hope i didn't put you in this position through my novel. the thing is, people who commit suicide don't think about the after effect at all. at all. i went to 2 wakes over the summer and i thought of sylvia plath, (who was an author and commited suicide. i know exactly how and she did it with her two kids in the house. her two kids.) and everyone who read her words, who knew her, who needed her, must have been devastated.

no one should ever cut. it takes away absolutely no relief. none.

i really hope you feel better. if i was right next to you right now, i would give you a hug. a big one, at that.


beaucoup d'amour, toujours,
[User Picture Icon]
Date:February 5th, 2005 12:37 am (UTC)
I really know cutting is lame. honestly, if youve done it, you know it.thats how it is. no one cuts and tells. ive never told anyone i used to cut except you and hannah because hannah cut with me at times. i felt comfortable writing about it though. i told you this before anyway. i wont cut. i will try not to. i wont commit suicide because i cant. you know that i cant, i think too much. you just have to act to commit suicide. i dont. i love my family and friends far too much for that.

thanks for always being there.

much love,
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