I got TOSed yesterday for saying " my vagina is on sale". I started cracking up when my dad told me, but obviously he didn't feel that this was a laughing matter. He started yelling. We started yelling. The house was chaos. This house was my own personal coffin for a good while. I miss my grandpa, and I want to go see him.
Well, I broke down. I broke away from sanity and I didnt care. I shook like a rabbit in the mouth of a wolf, I was sweating, I was crying. I think the salt I cried and the salt I sweated and the energy it took to shiver so much just pushed me over the edge. I held my hands over my ears and closed my eyes. I closed my eyes HARD. I didn't to see the world, I didn't want to hear the yells, I didn't want to think. I whispered over and over again, take it away, take it all away, let me be nothing, let me just be the nothing I am, please god, take everything away. Thats right, I prayed to God. I havent prayed to God in the longest time.
I shook for a while. I'm not sure how long, it just seemed like an hour or so. I quickly started painting though, which helped so much. But I couldn't stop feeling upset. I couldn't get back to the world. I read Marys novel. The girl killed herself in the end. Killed her. I said it over and over. Killed. Herself. Killed herself. This whole emotional brake down occured very late at night. By then it was 11 o'clock around. I never felt so.....horrible. I never felt so, ugly. I wanted to hide under the covers for the rest of my aching life. I wanted to crawl into a safe, dark hole under the ground, forever. I wanted to destroy this body. This face. I stood up, almost mummy like. Killed herself. Killed herself. Killed herself. I took a few mummy like steps. Killed herself. Killed herself. Killed herself. Right at that moment, I felt like I should not be alive, at all. I took my mummy self one more step. I was at the door. Shiney knife. For those few seconds, for the few steps, I wanted to take my life away. Slash each of my damned wrists.
I'm so angry with myself. I havent felt this way for a LONG time. I thought I've gotten over this. I was SURE I've gotten over this. No more urges for hurting myself. No more thoughts about me burried deep beneath the earth, or scattered sinking in the sea. I got over this. I thought I got over this. No more bad thoughts. No More Bad Thoughts. I didn't put a blade to my wrist because I am a coward. I couldn't. Some how I was able to think beyond my selfish cries and back to my grandpa. No, I could not leave him this way. I could not leave them this way. All of this was so stupid. Hurting myself, wanting to kill myself. I knew this was stupid, I know this is stupid, but why can't I stop thinking about it? Why wont it leave me alone? This kind of thinking is all for losers. For those kids who have nothing better in life then to sulk in their own pity............me. me? me. That is me. This is me. How can that be me? My head hurts, and I want to be able to sleep again. I want to hear good news, I want to see happy things, I want to feel normal feelings. I have to try and heal right now. I have to get the sting over and done with. I have to wash away my blood right now. I need to wipe away the dirt that may cause a disgusting affection. My disgusting face...My body..My disgusting head. I need to rid myself of all of this.
I need to start all, over, again.
"Oh, Inverted World
If every moment of our lives
Were cradled softly in the hands of some strange and gentle child
I'd not roll my eyes so"
I miss Keri. Come back to me..