|February 2nd, 2005|
I have no idea why I cant make paragraphs today, it wont let me....ah well.
Today sucked. The only part of the day I enjoyed was looking at playgirl with mary during tech ed. heh. that was funny. We looked up our horoscopes too. They said Mary is " independent and that makes her kinky and sexy".
Joe is pissing me off though. Ever since that "fight" we had, he won't even talk to me. He won't even LOOK at me. I dont blame him though. Ive been nothing but trouble since day one. He even said to me " youre bad news for anyone who wants to go somewhere". Why would he want to rekindle a friendship like that? He's annoying though, so I dont care too much. Just a little.
There's nothing left to lose right now. I would normally be going through another one of my psychotic brake downs but I do have one thing keeping me from falling to peices this time. I have my grandpa. I need to stay as strong as my mind will let me for him. If I can't do it for myself, I just have to do it for my grandpa. More "miracles" have been happening with the picture which I really don't feel like going through though. I just miss him so much. I want to be right next to him all day long. I want to let him know that I'd give everything up if he can just live for 5 more minutes, if he can just stay with my mom for 5 more minutes.
I'm so submissive though. I really am. I can't even say " no " to people. I just so happend to be very hungry during s.s today so I took out my rainbow colored cookies ( very good cookies too ). Elly saw them. She asked for one. Of course I had to give it to her, I couldnt say no. Kevin saw one. Kevin, who I hate, asked for one of my cookies and I gave it to him. Ian asked for one. Now only having two left, I give Ian one. That was my lunch too =( It's not a big deal though, its just cookies, but even mr.dematteo said I am such a passive person. Could I change that? Could I maybe grow out of it?..No. No, I don't think so. It's just like how I can never out grow being so sensitive. I'll just have to live with every damn flaw I have until one day something happens. Something saves me. Because I. Am. A. MESS. A fucking MESS.
Have I really changed since last year though? I don't think I have. People arent as bad this year, but everytime I walk down those horrible hallways it tears my insides apart. Everything I've worked so hard for since 7th grade just melts away with the ring of the first period bell. Every look, every glance has potential to destroy the little home I've built since, inside of my head. Everything I need to get better is locked behind doors. Every kind of cure needs a key that I just can't reach. I KNOW what I can do to make school easier, but I don't want to lose all of me just yet. I still have some of myself. I feel it everytime I'm with my mom, or my grandpa. I can feel it when I write. I'm not quite whole then, but I'm not so broken either. If I have to be alone, I want my shadow to be atleast be my own.
your falling star,
Current Music: something corporate-im leaving through the window
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