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I've been so good at vanishing Feb. 6th, 2005 @ 06:56 pm

The superbowl is for people who have lives. It's for people who like to be around people. I don't like people. I dont like the superbowl.

Any kind of day that brings people together, is a day for books, blankets, and music to consume me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

>_<

keri

 

Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: marleyyyy

Feb. 5th, 2005 @ 09:26 pm

 

BECAUSE KERI LOVES TO PAINT/TAKE PICTURES AND HAS NO LIFE:

 

 

 

This is what I painted for you Mary. Then my mom said it was too lesbian-ish so I wrote a message on the back exaplain it wasnt lesbian-ish. >_< ugh. I was just painting for god sakes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So I got bored again...So what?  :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:(

keri

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: bob dylan-essentials

Feb. 4th, 2005 @ 04:46 pm

 HOW TO BE ANTI-SOCIOL FASHION GUIDE OF 2005

            brought to you be your anti-sociol queen, Keri.

 

 

 

1. this is what you wear on a winter day

 

 

 

2. this is what you wear on a summer day

 

3. this is what you wear to school

 

 

4.this is what you wear when you are getting ready to have sex with your psychiatrist

 

 

 

 

5.  and this is what you wear when you want to stop being anti sociol ( thats a lie )...( i lie a lot )...( I'm so sorry )...( No, I'm really not at all )

 

 

 

 

haha. a lot of them are the same picture, just edited differentely. Or "cropped" and "cut" and " zoomed" differentely. I was bored and I had to keep myself occupied, okay? Shut up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spookishly yours,

keri

 

 

 

Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: afi- sing the sorrow

my castles are falling Feb. 4th, 2005 @ 04:36 pm

 I got TOSed yesterday for saying " my vagina is on sale". I started cracking up when my dad told me, but obviously he didn't feel that this was a laughing matter. He started yelling. We started yelling. The house was chaos. This house was my own personal coffin for a good while. I miss my grandpa, and I want to go see him.

 

 Well, I broke down. I broke away from sanity and I didnt care. I shook like a rabbit in the mouth of a wolf, I was sweating, I was crying. I think the salt I cried and the salt I sweated and the energy it took to shiver so much just pushed me over the edge. I held my hands over my ears and closed my eyes. I closed my eyes HARD. I didn't to see the world, I didn't want to hear the yells, I didn't want to think. I whispered over and over again, take it away, take it all away, let me be nothing, let me just be the nothing I am, please god, take everything away. Thats right, I prayed to God. I havent prayed to God in the longest time.

 

 I shook for a while. I'm not sure how long, it just seemed like an hour or so. I quickly started painting though, which helped so much. But I couldn't stop feeling upset. I couldn't get back to the world. I read Marys novel. The girl killed herself in the end. Killed her. I said it over and over. Killed. Herself. Killed herself. This whole emotional brake down occured very late at night. By then it was 11 o'clock around. I never felt so.....horrible. I never felt so, ugly. I wanted to hide under the covers for the rest of my aching life. I wanted to crawl into a safe, dark hole under the ground, forever. I wanted to destroy this body. This face. I stood up, almost mummy like. Killed herself. Killed herself. Killed herself. I took a few mummy like steps. Killed herself. Killed herself. Killed herself. Right at that moment, I felt like I should not be alive, at all. I took my mummy self one more step. I was at the door. Shiney knife. For those few seconds, for the few steps, I wanted to take my life away. Slash each of my damned wrists. 

 

I'm so angry with myself. I havent felt this way for a LONG time. I thought I've gotten over this. I was SURE I've gotten over this. No more urges for hurting myself. No more thoughts about me burried deep beneath the earth, or scattered sinking in the sea. I got over this. I thought I got over this. No more bad thoughts. No More Bad Thoughts. I didn't put a blade to my wrist because I am a coward. I couldn't. Some how I was able to think beyond my selfish cries and back to my grandpa. No, I could not leave him this way. I could not leave them this way. All of this was so stupid. Hurting myself, wanting to kill myself. I knew this was stupid, I know this is stupid, but why can't I stop thinking about it? Why wont it leave me alone? This kind of thinking is all for losers. For those kids who have nothing better in life then to sulk in their own pity............me. me? me. That is me. This is me. How can that be me? My head hurts, and I want to be able to sleep again. I want to hear good news, I want to see happy things, I want to feel normal feelings. I have to try and heal right now. I have to get the sting over and done with. I have to wash away my blood right now. I need to wipe away the dirt that may cause a disgusting affection. My disgusting face...My body..My disgusting head. I need to rid myself of all of this.

 

I need to start all, over, again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh, Inverted World
If every moment of our lives
Were cradled softly in the hands of some strange and gentle child
I'd not roll my eyes so
"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I miss Keri. Come back to me..

Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: sc-fall

these words consume her, but they never set her free Feb. 2nd, 2005 @ 06:15 pm
I have no idea why I cant make paragraphs today, it wont let me....ah well. x_x Today sucked. The only part of the day I enjoyed was looking at playgirl with mary during tech ed. heh. that was funny. We looked up our horoscopes too. They said Mary is " independent and that makes her kinky and sexy". Joe is pissing me off though. Ever since that "fight" we had, he won't even talk to me. He won't even LOOK at me. I dont blame him though. Ive been nothing but trouble since day one. He even said to me " youre bad news for anyone who wants to go somewhere". Why would he want to rekindle a friendship like that? He's annoying though, so I dont care too much. Just a little. There's nothing left to lose right now. I would normally be going through another one of my psychotic brake downs but I do have one thing keeping me from falling to peices this time. I have my grandpa. I need to stay as strong as my mind will let me for him. If I can't do it for myself, I just have to do it for my grandpa. More "miracles" have been happening with the picture which I really don't feel like going through though. I just miss him so much. I want to be right next to him all day long. I want to let him know that I'd give everything up if he can just live for 5 more minutes, if he can just stay with my mom for 5 more minutes. I'm so submissive though. I really am. I can't even say " no " to people. I just so happend to be very hungry during s.s today so I took out my rainbow colored cookies ( very good cookies too ). Elly saw them. She asked for one. Of course I had to give it to her, I couldnt say no. Kevin saw one. Kevin, who I hate, asked for one of my cookies and I gave it to him. Ian asked for one. Now only having two left, I give Ian one. That was my lunch too =( It's not a big deal though, its just cookies, but even mr.dematteo said I am such a passive person. Could I change that? Could I maybe grow out of it?..No. No, I don't think so. It's just like how I can never out grow being so sensitive. I'll just have to live with every damn flaw I have until one day something happens. Something saves me. Because I. Am. A. MESS. A fucking MESS. Have I really changed since last year though? I don't think I have. People arent as bad this year, but everytime I walk down those horrible hallways it tears my insides apart. Everything I've worked so hard for since 7th grade just melts away with the ring of the first period bell. Every look, every glance has potential to destroy the little home I've built since, inside of my head. Everything I need to get better is locked behind doors. Every kind of cure needs a key that I just can't reach. I KNOW what I can do to make school easier, but I don't want to lose all of me just yet. I still have some of myself. I feel it everytime I'm with my mom, or my grandpa. I can feel it when I write. I'm not quite whole then, but I'm not so broken either. If I have to be alone, I want my shadow to be atleast be my own. your falling star, keri
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: something corporate-im leaving through the window
Other entries
» (No Subject)

 

 Well, I talked today in school. I don't like it though. It tires me out so easily now. It takes everything I got just to hold up a simple conversation. mrs. hennesey said I was comatose but barely audible today and I started cracking up because thats a line from "good to know if i ever need attention all i have to do is die". She didn't get it...

 

And, okay, I finally figured it out. I'm afraid to be happy. I dont know how. I dont remember it either. I remember happy, when I was 5. Young and naive. But now that I am not as young, and not so naive, I dont know how to get happy. Mary is going to consouling soon, and if the shrink is any good she said she'll let me know. Maybe a little therapy will help, who knows?

 

oh yes, you know what my dad said yesterday? He goes, " good job keri, just as I thought you were going off the edge with weirdness, you come back to me". gee, THANKS DAD. The truth is, I kinda like it better when I'm "off the edge". I like it when I'm " too weird to handle". I like it when my mind burns and my heart aches. I like feeling overwhelmed with any kind of emotion. I just like feeling. Maybe thats why I dont know how to be happy. With happy, you are in general, content with yourself. I dont think I ever will be content with myself. I dont think I'll ever like mirrors, or pictures of me, or reflections. I'd live better if I was living deep inside a forest with just animals and rain. That's more of my level. Happy people deserve good things. Sad people deserve nothing. And thats just what I've got.

 

 

 

 

 

heh. I was planning on doing the rocky horror picture show lips. But I didnt want to bite my bottom lip while focusing. Lazy bastard.

 

I finally got the picture of that heart on my hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When will this end? theres just TOO MUCH OF NOTHING.

 

 

 

 

all lies,no love,

keri


» (No Subject)

  I'm back from Florida...I'm not sure what to say. But now looking back at all my worries I had before I went to Florida, they are nothing.Stupid, so stupid. I'm still trying to take in all of what happend this weekend. I think I'll just start from the begining, maybe make some sense out of it.

 

We left friday morning on a plane and got to florida at 12 am. My mom, my aunt patty, and myself stayed at my aunt joni's. We went straight to my grandpa's house to see him. He's so small. He is SO, SMALL. He said "make this your last goodbye, I dont want you to come down here anymore, wasting all your money". He keeps saying, Ima goner. Thats all he says. Either Ima goner or, there is no hope.

I wanted to tell him so bad that no doctor can ever tell him that he will die. There's hope as long as he thinks there is. I don't want him to die at all. I honestly don't. But after this trip, I'm not quite sure.He's in so much pain. He can't eat well. He's always tired. Doesn't get up out of bed. I don't even feel right, writing about all of this, but I have to. I need to think about it for myself, as selfish as it sounds. Well, since he couldnt get up out of bed, my mom and her two other sisters, my aunt jonie and aunt pati sat there on his bed all day. We sat and listened to his stories and old memories. We laughed at his jokes that he tries so hard to tell. As long as we were there, he would not be left alone. Not for one second. I felt like I needed to tell him so much, but when ever I tried, I couldn't. I asked him if maybe we can paint later on because he used  to love to paint. He's an amazing artist. Just, amazing. Poppy said "maybe next time, I'm just so tired". He knows very well that there will not be a next time. He knows its only going to get worse. I just wish he can enjoy every last minute he has with us. He makes me cry all day. Tears pour out with out my permission.

This all would be easier to take if he didn't want to live so badly. He just doesn't want to leave my grandma. I bet he would have died a while ago if it  wasnt for my grandma. He keeps saying how he doesnt want to leave her alone, that all the guys will be after her when hes gone. It is the truth though. That place is a breeding grown for the elderly. But nanny won't be alone, not for 1 second. And she would never EVER even look at another man for as long as she lives. Thats just her character. Thats just how she is. They love eachother so much. She told him " you are my guiding light". Seeing them really makes me hope that I will find someone and we will fall in love just as deep as they have. I hope.

Everyone was out of the room for a little while.  It was just me and poppy on his bed laying down. I was there. I was right there, moderating his breathing. He wasn't going to go as long as I was right there with him. I wasn't going to let him. His chest goes up every 3 seconds. 1-2-3. up. sometimes 5. 1-2-3-4-5 up. I started getting worried when he'd wait 8 seconds though. I held his hand the whole while. His cold, little hands. The same hands that once helped me learn how to hook a worm so the fish wouldn't bite it off. Those same hands were once strong, and alive. Filled with power, only that a good man like my grandpa could have. I remember his hands over mine like it was yesterday. The feeling of his rough, caloused finger tips holding onto my small, white palms, making me grab hold of a slimey, swishing green fish. The fish was bigger then me, and I was scared to death to touch it because poppy had recently gotten bit by one. But if I didn't hold it, his short temper would go off. " for god sake's! hold the fish!! no no, just hold the fish you big goof head!". So I held it. And it was fun. I liked holding a slimey, cold fish in between my weak, tiny fingers. Now years later my hand feels heavy over his. Us two just layed, not wanting to move until someone took one of us away.

 

I can not believe what cancer has done to him. His booming voice, filled with character was lost inside his bones. We only hear his dead voice. I know that voice. He's so tired. I cant imagine anything worse then waiting for the end. It will come, we all know this, but we just don't know how soon. My mom is losing the dad she loves. I am losing my fishing buddy, my friend, my mentor. My grandma is losing the love of her life. There's too many tears in that house.

 

I tried to tell my grandma later on just how much I love this family. Just how great we are. How amazing it is that we all turned out to be unbelievable people with our great grandparent's being evil, mean people and all. But of couse I didn'nt know how to say this. So in between sobs, I cried into her shirt. I asked her, when she was very little, just a girl, would she ever think she would be this blessed? We are and I want her to know that I KNOW IT. I want her to know that I don't deserve this family. I wanted to tell her that theyre all too amazing for someone like myself to ruin. I hope I didnt annoy her with my petty little crys. I hope I didn't annoy any of them. 

I want them to know I love them. I want POPPY to know I love HIM. 

 

There's just so many great memories  with him. When I kissed his head goodbye, I really didn't want to leave him. I felt we were just getting started. He was supposed to always be there for me. He was supposed to watch his grand kids grow up and fall in love. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. But then again, how else was it going to happen?

 

The weidest thing of all of was my uncle Bobby. For the longest time my uncle bob isolated himself from the family. I thought he hated me. He would neve say hi, or bye, or I love you. Yesterday, I think I found out why. When he was 27 he found out he had two types of cancer. It was all over his body. He was told he only had until his 30's to live. He was given options like chemo therapy and surgerys, but none of them gave him actual hope. They said it might work, but theres a big chance it wont. He didn't accept any of the treatments. They made him go to a phsychiatrist because they couldnt understand how someone can opt to die. So after this painful kind of therapy he had to go through, he went home and slept. His sleeping wasnt affected by his cancer at all. When he fell asleep he said something happend. Something was there that made him aware that this wasnt a dream. It was telling him to make sure he knew that this wasnt a dream.He said he saw a woman holding a baby. The woman said, its okay, the baby will be alright. Uncle bobby woke up so fast that he couldnt feel his legs. He said he felt like they were still there, where ever " there" was. He touched his body and felt an electric shock go through his body. His phone rang and it was his doctors. They said to come down to their office immediatley. He didn't want to go because he didn't care anymore. Its been bad news, it will only be worse news. But they insisted. So he went down and the doctor said that they took x-rays of his body, and there was no more cancer. His cancer was ALL gone. He told him that this is classified as a meriacle because theres no other way to explain it.

Theres so much more to the story that I just cant get into right now. I am not the type of person who believes in these things. Neither is my uncle bob. But I have to, and he has to because this happend to him.

Now, yesterday uncle Bobby took pictures of everyone. Each person came out perfectly clear except poppy. My grandpa in ever picture would come out blurry. He zoomed in on one picture in perticular and it looked like a shadown blending into poppy. He zoomed in more and it looked like HIS grandpa, my grandpa's dad. This was not that great only because his grandpa wasnt a great man. He was mean to poppy. So was his mom. They were alcoholics. They hit him. Poppy was never enough. He always had to prove he loved them, but it was never enough. Anyway, he showed me the picture and I saw it. He showed my my mom and my two aunts, and they saw it. As the day went on poppy's dad got bigger. Poppy looked more and more like a skeleton. Then I swear, I SWEAR, we saw another face. A little boys face. Poppy's face when he was a kid. A medium has told my aunt before all of this that lois anthony has a very strong presence here. Lois is my poppys dad, the one in the picture. Uncle bob tried to print the pictures but the computer said it was empty. He brang it to two different wallgreens and they said nothing was on the stick. Every picture was on the memory stick. And my head hurts. I cant really fully grasp everything that has happend this week. I'm supposed to be the strong one. The daughter who comforts her mom. But this, this is killing me. This whole ordeal is killing me. Its emotionally exhausting. I am so tired but sleep does nothing to help. I can't even sleep. Theres just so much more to everything that I cant even think about. I didn't know nearly any of this before friday and now I know more then I even wanted to.

I love Poppy. He is a great man. I'm not very religious, but for him, I will be. I am trying. So I hope that God see's what I see. I hope that Poppy will be taken very well care of. I hope he won't be too scared, because I know everyone will be just a little bit. I hope he wont be too sad because I know that we all will miss his more than a little bit. I hope that he will be happy because I know that we all wont be until we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

keri

 

 


» (No Subject)

Going to Florida in the morning. I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm sad. I dont know how I should really feel at all. I'm going to see my dieing grandpa....What in the WORLD do I say to him? I suck with words. Suck suck suckity suckkkk. I choke up when I want to say something important to anyone at all. There's also the problem of my appearance. I haven't seen my grandpa in a while, what if he doesn't like how I'm turning out? It really isn't that hard to not like what you see. I know I'm going to feel so out of place there, just like I always do. And I shouldn't. It's family...

 

I talked to my mom yesterday and cried in her arms..What a baby I am. It was nice though. I didn't want for anything to end, or to start up at that moment. I really wanted to just cry that from the heart cry, and lay in my moms arms, warm and safe from the world. See? I really have gone back 13 years instead of growing up. I'm back in my moms arms, just like an infint.

 

 And school. God, school. This week has been hell, again. I just cant wait for the day when I can take my hood off, pull my hair out of my face, look straight ahead and feel good. I wonder what that will feel like? I bet its just the opposite of how I feel right now. I bet its heaven. But I'm just not strong enough to do that. I wish I was a strong person. A person who can just say " fuck you, i dont care, you dont mean a thing to me, I wont know you after highschool anyway". I really wish I could say that, but I cant. I'm too afraid. I'll be alone then. I am an ultra sensitive person. I take everything to heart, so that would be a lie if I said I dont care. I'm very good at faking it though. I'm ashamed, but its the truth. No one knows that I laugh for their own amusement. If I was strong like I want to be, I wouldnt even crack a smile at school.Everything is so hard for me, and I put it all on myself. If I had a simple, brave mind like everyone else then maybe I can stop wasting this life.How do they do it? How do they wake up in the morning and go to school? I have to do this though. I have no choice. Going to school is not something I can just choose to stop. The sad truth is, if you want to get by in life you have to have that peice of paper that says " hey! i drank and partied every day, and lost my virginity to a girl in my roomates bed! I barely passed my classes but I graduated from college! and heres the paper to prove it!" I'm pathetic. Truely, I am.

I dont talk in school. I've almost completley stopped...haha, keri the mute! I like it better not talking though. I dont feel so compelled to hold up a good conversation. If I dont talk, I dont have to worry about saying something stupid. Which I always do. I ALWAYS do.

 

Aside from school and my grandpa and my fucked up little head of mine, I'm having a hard time with my family. Not my mom. My mom is my best friend. Just another example of what a loser I am. Duhhhh, youre supposed hate your mom for not letting you go out at 12 with that hawt guy you met behind mcdonalds shmokin weed!...Man, people are so mean to their moms today. I really shouldnt be talking though, me and my dad are not doing well in our father daughter relationship. We are opposites. Totaly and complete opposites. But I love him and he loves me so thats whats keeping us from yanking eachothers heads off. He hurts me so much, and I probably hurt him back. Things arent well to say the least. I dont know if I can fix things with him though, until I can fix things with myself. Oh wiat, one more pathetic thing to reveal. Ryan called me a bitch at the dinner table tonight so guess what, WE APPOLOGIZED TO EACH OTHER ONLINE! Thats right, the only way we can talk to each other with out yelling or walking away is online. Fools, we're all such fools. But atleast we talked..typed..haha.

 

So, what have I come to realize after all of this?...loser. a true blue loser, I am.

 

 

 

keri

 

 


» (No Subject)

Oh crap, I'm hating life again. =/ It sucks. I wish I didn't. My grandpa is dieing, and I'm too focused on how much I hate life to even notice. He asked me to paint him a snow scene, and I didn't. I can't, it wont come out good enough. Then schools tomorrow. I don't want to go. I really dont....So I'm going to skip. Again. Again, again, again. My teachers hate me  because I'm never there. If I could explain to them just how much school hurts me, then maybe I wouldnt look like such a HUGE weirdo.

 

I ate dinner by myself, in my room tonight. It brang back bad memories, memories of which I can't handle to think of right now.

 I wish I didn't carve that heart on my hand. I always have to cover it up. I like it though. I think its pretty. It's the prettiest thing on me right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

keri

 

 

 


» (No Subject)

 

 

 

 

<3 keri

 

 

 

 


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